Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
