I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
downside - we got stuck at the intersection before the santa clause parade started and had to wait for it to end. upside - i got frontrow seats and a blow job to the santa clause parade.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
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