Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
It's still to early in our relationship to tell her I was sleeping in my car
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
Randomize
