im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.
As hard as i've been partying lately their gonna have to revoke my organ donor status
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
In California. Through an entire game + OT. That’s a long time to have an octopus in your pants.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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