six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
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