Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Just had sex in an ice hut. What have you done with your holiday break?
sorry for laughing and taking pictures while you were having an asthma attack on st. patricks day
It's like... Even my horoscope knows I had an awkward threesome last night.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
Had sex in a blanket fort. How was your weekend?
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
Randomize
