At some point last night I thought pissing in a bottle was an awesome idea when I woke up a little piss was actually in the bottle a lot was on my TV remote
a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
My lunch = taste testing salsas for A&P. They gave me a free 64oz grape juice as a thank you. So, now we have something to drink in the house. So while you are spending all the money on breakfast rolls and pizza for lunch, I'm cigaretteless and whoring myself for tablespoons of salsa and free juice.
pretty sure I blew his mind with the sex last night. He repaid me with a five minute conversation about power rangers.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Randomize
