I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
How did i get home and why am i wearing someone elses shorts?
1. Not sure how 2. You showed up naked, we had to dress you.
Randomize
