youre lurking in front of me
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...
Just the budget?
Do you think royal wedding drunk calls for wine or tequila?
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I'm spending tomorrow with her. What should my ridiculous personal goal be? I've already got a blowjob while eating a cupcake
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
Randomize
