Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
I feel like as your wife, as cool with your decision-making skills as I usually am, there should be a bigger explanation to you adopting a child while I'm in Houston.
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
If by science you mean beer then YES!!!!
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