True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Oh god. Standing was a rash decision
I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...
I don't think a gay three way is the best way to confirm your sexuality.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
