Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child
I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for
Oh my god she just threw up on her dog
Everyone heard you scream that I was to be naked, in your bed in 5 minutes. We were one hell of a shitshow spectacle
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
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