they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
He slapped my ass and his clap-on light turned on.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
3 2 1 whiskey
Didn't think I'd be dancing with the Power Rangers but here I am
Randomize
