honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
