First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
All my interactions with my brother are drug deals at this point
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
You are not allowed to sing ever again, my ears are still ringing.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
