My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
Randomize
