he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
I need to align my fucking chakras
i gotta say this to some one...... my penis feels sooooooooo sooooooft, its amazing
like for real, sooooooooooooooo smoooooooooooooth its amazing
I can't wait for you to read this text tomorrow
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