Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Can we talk about the cons of throwing up in the bathtub. there are no pros.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule
Lmao sorry
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
It started with a wedding, followed by a drag show, and ended with Trevor getting punched in the face by the bouncer. How was your weekend?
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Randomize
