i just rode the bull and i see vomit in my future.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
i'm face down in a ditch right now please help this is not a metaphor for my life this is real.
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
