The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"
Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
She bit a glass in half.
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
Not rlly sure. Might just drink and sleep. Gotta wake up for my last rabies shot lol
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I think putting on real pants was half my issue with today
Oh lord. I have no recollection. I just got up. Surveying the damage. Found phone with messages out by pool. Still have not located my top or determined when i stopped wearing it
I really regret not asking “like a cupcake” when you asked me to eat your ass
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
Randomize
