RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.
He asked if I had feelings for him while I was lying naked on the floor vomiting into a trashcan as he held my hair and fed me Pringles.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
All I know is when I asked you how many fingers I was holding up, you said "Hippo"
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