the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
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