remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
you were smoking 3 cigarettes at once saying 'cancer isn't real! Its all in your head!'
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
Randomize
