Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
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