Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
I just realized I haven't had steady access to a woman's body since I was breastfeeding.
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I just saw two girls throwing up in the bathroom. they were high-fiving under the stall...
shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness
She looked at it and said "your dick is like the golden gate bridge."
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
doing laundry. just found my fishnets from Friday. the ENTIRE crotch is torn out. guess that answers the "did we have sex in the cab" question.....
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Randomize
