my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
He just told me that when we were doing it I told him I was the captain and he was the boat. Im too embarassed to ask for money for a cab.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
Blizzard, Hour 9: I'm 7 beers deep and have finished Ninja Turtles. I am listening to the NYPD and Nassau Fire Dept pipes and drums and writing new drum scores in my head, which I may or may not remember tomorrow
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
Conversations really do change when your social worker had your dick in her mouth the other night.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
