You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
This threesome is so guaranteed that dinner feels like a charade
tonight lets celebrate not being married
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
just watched the video of me leading you with a trail of french fries.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
I got picked up after "I just threw up in my face". Then I had very specific instructions involving the bathtub.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Guess who just enrolled into online classes at Hogwarts? This gal.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
That butt dial turned into a booty call.
Randomize
