Dude my mom stole all your condoms
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Now that it's over, I can finally say it and not feel bad,dude. Her mustache is better than yours.
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
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