THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Sorry i vommed in a cup next to u w out warning.. Actually im not that sorry cuz i didn't spill a drop LIKE A PRO
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
