My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
I will give everyone a free pointer today. Here it goes, always pee by the house late at night to avoid getting shot by drunk bastards with guns. Never go by the tree line.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
We are making a pool on how long he stays sober this time you want in?
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
Make a note to pack something that won't catch shell casings in your cleavage
All I know is I woke up with my apartment door wide open, naked, and I poured an entire bottle of Advil on my bed to sleep in.
Randomize
