its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Dude she threw his clothes out n 8th floor window and her dog tried to bite his dick off. So the answer is yes it could be worse...
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Can I color on your dick again?
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
