I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
just did a line in a complete hula outfit off a chick in a devil costume. do you think hell will be this good?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
I told her I was dressed as a gag reflex judge.....she won, literally hands down.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
