I just wanted to draw pictures of limp wieners on peoples doors and smash pictures of palm trees. That's it.
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
she'd have to be at LEAST a cup size bigger for me to even consider putting up with her voice
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
