On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
He made me a mix cd. There is obviously something wrong with him.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I have been drinking at the bar so long today that I literally just found a spiderweb from my leg to the bar.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
You tried to bite my nipple like 3 times
NAh son
Just general bites
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
Randomize
