I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
This is your typical drubkba Amy test. Shout out to jisus for auto correct
it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Literally breaking up to my boyfriend while jamming out to Feraglicious
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
