I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
Maybe I'm nitpicking, but that looked more like how one would jerk off an elephant than it did playing air guitar.
I mean I only got hit in the ass with ONE firework
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
