i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
well it doesn't count as a walk of shame if he drops you off at your class in his golf cart
my shit smells like andre
I wish you would just come have sex with me in ihop. I don't want to be here
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
