i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
we were bear claw grabbing his crotch in the middle of the bar yelling prominent ridge over and over.
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
This holiday season is going to be rough between people coming home for the holidays and the already regulars on my list I might have to clone my vagina to make sure I get everyone for all they are worth
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
Hungover on St. Patrick's Day. I did this backwards.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
