Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
A hangover is a type of food poisoning. Makes me feel better about calling out of work.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
Just had a random flashback of you tickling some guy's nipple with your claw ring, and then him moaning and stripping in the middle of the bar. You give good memories.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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