I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
I hate it when I can only see straight when I close one eye. I feel like that deserts the purpose of seeing with two eyes
Just found out you can rent the rollerena for 100 bucks and you can bring your own beer... when are you free this week?
Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
Currently putting together my outfit for this weekend, AKA a poster board that says "I'll cook you breakfast and do all your laundry, take me home." On front and back
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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