I found a knife in my bed when I got back this morning. I think one of my roommates has it in for me
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
It's 8 in the morning and you're doing coke and drinking margaritas. First, you have a problem. Second, why didn't you invite me?
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
