make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
In a meeting with the accounting department. This shit is even more boring in real life and there isn't a professor to wake me up.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
I'd do them all but honestly I'm so high that I probably should have a chaperone.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
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