How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
If the first sentence isn't something about weed or the nature of choclate I'm skipping class.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
Where were you last night, and why am I not surprised that drag queens were involved?
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
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