I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
He broke into my apartment to check his Facebook again, the beer is all gone, and there's a new high score on pac man.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
We also had a full on debate about how realistic and useful teleportation and time travel would be...and only used Twilight Zone episodes as "scientific evidence"
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
You took motorboating me in public to a whole new level. You poured your beer down my top and LAPPED IT UP.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
