Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon
wow.
According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
Our apt smells like hot shit marinated in oregano and cumin. No more taco truck dinner, fuck face. The wall paper is peeling.
Of course, it's a law of friendship. "Thy friend Shalt always hold hatred for thine friend's swinish ex"
But if you move out who will get drunk with me on the roof and yell at boys?!?
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
