just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
Maybe she'll change her mind but the "go fuck yourself" doesn't seem promising
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
I feel like we have a good system here turning our sketchy decisions into great stories.
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize
