i just wanna soil my oats bro
This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton
knew i was gonna lose at a shoe or be bleeding at some point. and both happened within 20 mins.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
It's really life affirming to be at a wedding thinking wow I took your husbands virginity
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
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