Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
Dude she let me cum on her face
You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I pour the whiskey from now on
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
