the sham wow guy got arrested for beating up a hooker.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
