Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
He got kicked out 3 times. I have no idea how he kept getting back in. I saw him walking on the highway the next morning.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
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