that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
Signs you do Molly too much. Glow sticks fallout of random articles of clothing on academic row
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
I just found a contact in my phone named "Nick from The Party". Who's nick?
Randomize
